So Dano and I are in the ALTTAB Dome the other day, hanging out around our giant mahogany Justice League table, just kickin’ it playing that game where you fire coins across the table into each other’s knuckles until they bleed. Suddenly the Emailtron 4000 goes whirr whirr beep bop and we get a print out asking for more fashion coverage on the blog. Fashion?! we say at the same time, while holding dish rags around our bloody knuckles, What do we know about fashion?!
Well, I guess we can talk about basketball fashion. Anyone on the cutting edge of that?
It was the right moment, the right team,
Ooo! What are we talking about?
When you launch something as innovative as this — that will change the way the players look on the court and the way the fans support the team forever —
Innovative? I’m so excited! What is it? It could be anything; it could even be a boat!
I think it will be a trendsetter,
I can’t wait anymore! Tell me what it is!
This jersey was designed with the fan in mind.
Very populist. Show me what it is.
Adidas boasts it as a revolutionary marriage between performance and aesthetics.
Stop fucking around. Now I’m getting scared.
Will people take to a shirt jersey?
The rationale is having a full shirt as the team’s jersey allows people to represent their team in more settings. Unlike soccer, baseball and football, basketball uniforms are limited, from a fashion perspective, because they are sleeveless.
Wait, a shirt?
Oh shit– its a shirt with skin-tight sleeves and a huge v-neck. It looks very, um, hipster-y?
It’s being called the “adizero NBA short sleeve uniform system.”
Well that’s just fucking stupid. Its a shirt.
[Warriors president] Welts tried to get the NBA to adopt a short-sleeve jersey once before…in 1985…
Oh this is some weird guy who has been trying to dress up NBA players in sleeves for 25 years? Nevermind. Next fashion.
All-Star Game jerseys are basically always ridiculous.
Ok, not the best way to start.
I mean, is that accepted fac–
The [2013 NBA All Star Game] uniforms take inspiration from Houston’s rich aeronautical history and the speed of the jet planes that dot its skies. The uniforms’ eye-catching impact camo pattern evokes the world’s fastest fleet of aircraft with the classic silhouette of a basketball net.
Well, um, jet planes are cool.
The NBA All-Star Game is an exciting time to unite adidas’ line of performance and style products to celebrate the court-to-street style that runs through basketball culture around the world,
Um, I need some help reacting to that.
Players will take to the court in black-and-white aviator-style NBA All-Star warm-ups…each player’s jacket will be customized to represent individual career accomplishments such as NBA All-Star Game appearances and All-Star MVP awards, NBA titles, in addition to season awards including MVP, Rookie of the Year, Defensive Player of the Year and Scoring Championships.
Hmm, you mean like metals in the military?
Ok, that’s cool as shit. Show me Kobe’s.
That military theme is rad. Alright adidas, you’re one for two. Got another fashion coming down the pipe to break the tie?
AAAAAAAAAAAA!!! What is that?! Warn me before you do something like that!!! Those poor bastards. NCAA football players get to look like this courtesy of Nike and basketball players, in both the NBA and college, have to deal with those euro hipsters at adidas. No adidas, you fail fashion. You are terrible, just terrible.