Baby Boomers: You Literally Cannot Call Yourselves Adults Until You Take This Pledge

I know Baby Boomers. My folks are Baby Boomers. I work with Baby Boomers. I’ve listened to The Beatles, Bob Dylan, fucking Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young. I’ve seen The Godfather and The Graduate; I’ve watched that scene in High Fidelity where Dick shits on The Big Chill and mostly understood what they were talking about.

And it’s this deep knowledge of Baby Boomers that allows me to say: you can do better. Below is a pledge that every Baby Boomer should take publicly, to signify a ceremonial transition into modern adulthood.

Not that I recommend modern adulthood, what with all the no pensions and expensive healthcare and student loans and stagnant wages– not that you guys would know anything about that!– but we all have to grow up eventually.

“The Baby Boomer Pledge”:

  • I am entitled to nothing.
  • I will not allow a rigid emphasis on physical attendance obscure my ability to determine effective performance.
  • I will think before I speak, always being conscious of the fact that my life experience is not the same as life experience. [Read more…]

27 Ways To Be The Modern Man’s Modern Man, Man


Last week, the august New York Times published an oddly Buzzfeedian piece titled “27 Ways To Be A Modern Man.” The piece ran with a straight face, in the Men’s Style section under the “Self Help” tag, despite its content…not…making any sense? Among the 27 ways were plainly contradictory aphorisms, such as commanding the Modern Man to be both a stoic block of wood and sniffling shudder of sensitivity. There were odd brand plugs for Dr. Pepper and Irish Spring as well as a bizarre exhortation to own all of director Michael Mann’s film on Blu Ray.

The internet had no idea what to make of it. The Daily Caller, hearty dollop of cant-infused sour crème fraîche, worried about the STATE OF MASCULINITY. The National Review (of all places) had a pretty great call and response takedown. The San Fransico Chronicle took it a step further with their own regional, super on the nose, “27 Ways To Be A Modern San Francisco Man.” (Sample: 11. Crying isn’t taboo for the modern S.F. man: He’ll gush infinite public tears when he finds out the guy he wrote off at the incubator got more startup funding than he did.)

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Series: How To Fix Baseball

And seemingly out of nowhere, its October. It’s cold and it’s raining and, oh yeah, it’s time for baseball playoffs (well, for some people, not poor Bryce up there)! Now it shouldn’t surprise anyone that for us here at ALTTAB, baseball flies pretty low under the radar, occupying about the same level of interest as MMA, or soccer, or upsetting documentaries on Netflix (reminder: finally watch that sad Free Willy one). There are a lot of reasons for this (somewhat paradoxical reasons, given how fun it is to actually go to a game live, especially here in DC at Nats Stadium) but the reality remains: baseball…doesn’t really hold our interest.

But this doesn’t have to be the case! Baseball doesn’t have to stay the same; its actually changed a lot since the old-timey days:

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