A Selection From: “Greg Oden Used Car Mega Sale!: A Text For Division 1 Athletes On Managing Your First, And Perhaps Only, Million Dollars”

GregOden


A Message From Greg Oden:

Listen, young fella. You’re going to want to start that record label you and your cousin dreamt about in the back in the late 90s pretending to be Timbaland and Magoo in the locker room of the community pool. Listen to me: A record label takes more than pirating ProTools and giving yourself a moniker that is an inside joke referencing Donkey Kong 64.

You’re going to want to buy your mother a house. Listen to me: This is a fine idea. Go do this. But I have two words for you that will be covered in full in Chapter 26: Property. Tax.

You’re going to to feel like you owe everyone who ever “grew up” with you. Even the guy who still “knows a guy” that can get you molly whenever you want and transports a few pounds of marijuana across state lines for a friend “only a few times a year.” Listen to me: What? Are you fucking crazy? Did not talk to this guy. He’s an insane person and he is how you get talked into switching agents from Scott Boras to a man everyone only knows as “Tank.”

You’re going to want your family to be in control of your finances, because you feel you can trust them. Listen to me: Are any of your family members CPAs? Lawyers? Licensed financial advisors or investment managers? NO? Then do not give them control of your money. Just because Uncle Rick used to drink beer with your dad and play Around The World with you before his crippling depression caused him the loss of his fine motor skills does not mean he is qualified to manage not only your money, but ANYONE’S money. There are literally dozens of examples of athletes losing all of their assets to bankruptcy because they entrusted their finances to a person who was their “uncle” in name only. Listen to me: There are LOTS of millionaires in the world. And lots of them are able to safely protect and investment their money with the use of objective, certified professionals whose job it is to make sure that your money doesn’t disappear into “Country Jim’s Car Wash and Rawhide Emporium.” Give them your money. All of it. There are real, actual laws that will send them to jail if they advise you to invest in “Otto’s Box-O-Junk-N-Stuff.”

We will be discussing all of these rules, as well as case studies that cover everything in detail.

This is important stuff, young fella.

Listen to me.

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