The Derrick Rose Theorem

derrickrose

Late Tuesday night, word flashed across the nation’s sports minded smartphones that the Chicago Bulls’ Derrick Rose would be shortly heading into surgery, this time to repair a fractured orbital bone in his face which was broken by a teammate’s accidental elbow. There is no timetable for his return, though he may be ready to go by the Bulls’ season opener on October 27 against LeBron and the Cavs. For NBA fans, this news felt right in line with the sui generis life of Rose, a player of incredible talent who has an equally incredible knack for hurting himself.

Elbows– both errant and intentional– literally abound on basketball courts across the country. Charles Barkley preferred a classic swing; Oscar Robertson threw them with his legs; Kevin Garnett is lucky his face wasn’t six inches to his left when Vince Carter threw his in the form of a fist after completing one of the most incredible plays ever in basketball. Dudes named Big A, Sarge, E, and Trey still and will always swing them at neighborhood Friday night runs, their courts lit through a haze of bugs by jaundiced cones of light.

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Anthony Bennett Has Been Bought Out By The Timberwolves

Anthony-Bennett

On Tuesday, Adrian Wojnaroski and the wonderfully named Shams Charania reported that the Minnesota Timberwolves reached an agreement with 2013 number one NBA draft pick Anthony Bennett to buy out the remainder of his contract. Read Woj’s post for all the salary cap mumbo-jumbo, but the gist is that Bennett will now go on waivers and if no one claims him, he becomes an unrestricted free agent.

From the first moment of his first pro summer league game, Bennett struggled with his weight, his shooting, even his NBA plausibility. The pall of Bill Simmons’ whoa weighed so heavily on him that ahistorical assertions that no one outside of Cleveland thought Bennett was even a top 10 quality pick would be widely accepted– even unnoticed– today if not for the crack gumshoes at Deadspin holding tight to reality.

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Do Not Think For A Second That The 76ers Know What They’re Doing

It’s a lot of fun to dump on Sam Hinkie and the Philadelphia 76ers, just like it’s a lot of fun to dump on Donald Trump. Both are ridiculous on their face, yet seem protected by impenetrable bubbles (Trump: money/racism/self-esteem?, 76ers: process/process/process) that give them an unearned self-assurance that makes them ripe for mockery. Put another way, they both have naturally punchable faces.

Yet unlike Trump, Hinkie and the 76ers also seem to cast a weird magic over the press that sometimes makes their eyes twitch and pupils dilate and before thinking something like, “You know, maybe the 76ers do have it all figured out.”

Look at this Deadspin headline:

76ers

 

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If You Have Ornithophobia, Maybe Don’t Pursue Your NFL Dreams

bird attack

On the podcast, we discussed a very important analysis of NFL, NBA, and MLB team names I did as a weird tangent of our ranking of the worst phobias for athletes to have. Turns out, with the Cardinals, Ravens, Seahawks, Falcons, and Eagles comprising 16 percent of the league, ornithophobes (people who are terrified of birds) would do much better attempting to ply their trades in the MLB (where avian teams account for 10 percent of the league) or even better, in the NBA (where it’s only seven percent– just the Hawks and Pelicans).

Obviously there is a spreadsheet attached to this, so here it is, in case you want to play around.

Click this link: Sports team nicknames

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Retired Numbers In The NBA Data Set

As part of the research for our article on retired numbers in the NBA, I created a Google doc of all retired numbers from all teams to sort the information, and I ended up thinking it was interesting in and of itself. So check out your favorite team’s honorees*.

*Unless your favorite team is Memphis, Toronto, Charlotte, or the poor Clippers.

About the Author: Gus Caravalho is the editor of ALTTAB Radio, a blog and podcast about sports and other things. Go Lakers/Chargers/Tar Heels. Boo dook/olives/Mario Chalmers. Get more from Gus on ALTTAB Radio and Google+.

ALTTAB Radio’s Top Five Fun Facts About NBA Retired Numbers

On January 26, 2014, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett returned to the Garden in Boston for the first time since leaving the Celtics in the July 2013 trade that sent them (and Jason Terry) to the Brooklyn Nets in exchange for Gerald Wallace, MarShon Brooks, Kris Humphries’ expiring contract, Keith Bogans, Kris Joseph, and first-round draft picks in 2014, 2016 and 2018. In the intervening time since the trade, both teams have been bad, at points almost unwatchable. Look at Boston coach Brad Stevens’ face in this screen grab from the Pierce / Garnett homecoming game.

Stevens

That score! Blegh. But before getting to the game (or maybe putting off having to play it), the Celtics showed video tributes to both Pierce and Garnett on the jumbotron to continuous standing ovation from the crowd. (Pierce’s included that song from The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty—the one that goes “ah ah ah ah ahhhhh oh ohhhhhh”—which apparently makes me tear up immediately now.) Both videos included cuts to the rafters showing Boston’s retired jersey numbers, where two blank spaces were awaiting numbers 34 and 5. It was great.

But that got us talking here in the ALTTAB Dome. Obviously Pierce’s number will be retired by the Celtics—but Garnett? He only played there for five years. Look at his Basketball Reference page. Sure he won his title Boston, but he’s the best Minnesota Timberwolf ever and he was there for 12 years! Do they even have any retired jerseys? Stephon Marbury? Why would the Celtics take him away from Minnesota? Can two teams retire a player’s jersey?

On looking into it, I found that retired jerseys are way more interesting and complex than I anticipated. So here we go, ALTTAB Radio’s Top Five Fun Facts About NBA Retired Numbers.

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