As I assume most readers of ALTTAB are aware, the St. Louis Cardinals beat the Pittsburgh Pirates on Wednesday to advance to the National League Championship Series. This is nothing new for the Cardinals, as they have advanced as least this far in eight of the past 13 seasons. That’s some serious, and consistent, success. In response to the Cardinals advancing, Deadspin’s Drew Magary penned a very Magary-ian open letter to Cardinals fans. In precisely the same trolling vein as his Why Your Team Sucks NFL editions, Drew ripped the Cardinals a new one in a very rare baseball edition of Why Your Team Sucks. Behold, some choice gems:
The Cardinals are fucking awful. They are Tim Tebow in baseball organization form. They are a church casserole made out of cream of mushroom soup and Minute Rice. They are a horrible family staring at a Norman Rockwell painting of itself. It’s no coincidence that sabermetric punching bag David Eckstein spent a few years playing for the Cardinals, because no team in any sport puffs up its grittiness credentials quite like this one.
St. Louis, the town, is a fucking dump. It’s not some magical heartland paradise filled with talking Teddy Ruxpin dolls and a five-and-dime on every corner. It’s a shithole. It’s just as troubled and uncivilized as the rest of the country. The Cardinals are a desperate attempt to polish that turd for all it’s worth, and I’ve seen enough of them for this lifetime and the next. LOSE. LOSE BADLY.
I am very familiar with Magary’s style of writing, especially on Deadspin. Drew may be one of the more popular trolls on the internet. He gets paid to piss people off, and anyone that reads him even infrequently should be able to decipher that. However, that doesn’t stop Cardinals fans from ragemonstering all over themselves when Magary writes something clearly meant to make them mad.
From: Dave Schwinn
To: Drew Magary
What a jealous, whiney little fuck you are. You don’t care about us but you wasted your time writing a stupid article. Go back to your room in mommy and daddys basement and make love to you’re blow up doll you HOMO. Go Cards
First and foremost, my question is: do you watch the same baseball I do? And if you do, are you drunk or high on drugs whilst doing so? The Cardinals beat the Pirates because they are BETTER than them. And now the fans are going to brand the Cardinals as underdogs? Last time I checked, they weren’t the underdogs in this situation. And last time I checked they certainly weren’t “fucking awful.” Where do you get off saying that? I suspect your team has millions of World Series titles if you are able to say that they are awful. A team with the 3rd most wins definitely is not awful. Did you watch the same games I did?? Next, let’s talk fans, and oh boy do you make me angry. We are the best fans in baseball because we believe in our time regardless of the month. If you want to compare Cardinals and Pirates, look at their fanbase! Look who suddenly had a stadium full of people cheering for them, not the Cardinals. We stand behind our team no matter what and if that doesn’t scream a good fanbase, I don’t know what does. And sorry that you “don’t trust an organization that has a Way named after it” but I don’t see anyone from St. Louis criticizing other cities’ street names. If that’s really the only argument you have against us as fans, that’s weak. You say St. Louis is a fucking dump? THIS ARTICLE is a fucking dump. Please look at all the facts before you say such horridly false things about a city and a team you know NOTHING about. You can say I’m biased all you want as a born and bred St. Louis girl but after watching as many games as I have in my 18 years of life and after being to several games in other various stadiums I can say for a fact that what you’re saying about my team and my city IS GARBAGE. You sir need to do some serious reevaluating of your perspective on baseball. Please never speak of the Cardinals again unless you gain some kind of understanding of what the team and the city are about. I honestly lost brain cells whilst reading this article and I’m skipping studying for an exam because my city and team needed to be defended so badly to a man who doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Gain some knowledge on the game and the team and get back to me.
P.S Yeah, we are classy folks. The first draft of this response had curse words out the wazoo but I’m holding myself back because I, as a Cardinal fan, am better than that.
Claire. Oh Claire. Your “we stand by our team not like those pussy Pirates fans” decree is so, so short-sighted, unaware, and dumb. As I mentioned earlier, the Cardinals have had an almost unprecedented amount of success in the past decade and a half. The Pirates haven’t seen north of .500 in 21 YEARS. You think you and your “classy folks” would put up with that level of ineptitude for that long and still “stand behind our team no matter what”? I’m almost choking on the pretentiousness.
Hard to know where to start with so much wrong with the substance of the message.
Let’s see –
1. I don’t blame the author for this specifically because I’ve heard this from other sources – The Cardinals are NOT fielding a top ten payroll. At the beginning of the season the Cardinals were actually at $87 million, and that’s before Garcia went down, so they’re likely fielding something less than that now.
2. “Talking Teddy Ruxpin” is redundant.
3. Yankees (for the most part) are horrible, but not because they’re Yankees fans, but because they’re (again for the most part) from New York.
4. I don’t give my neighbors Jell-O, I bake and give them brownies or sometimes my grandmother’s recipe for gooey butter cake.
5. If you want to hang yourself, consult a professional.
6. No place is a “paradise” but the midwest at large is definitely more family friendly and stable than most cities that exist near an ocean.
7. “…the Cardinals don’t like it when another team like the Pirates or Nationals dares to threaten their self-appointed status as America’s Baseball Sweethearts…” There is no fun in it when there is no competition. Winning can’t be fun without the threat of losing. I want the threat of a loss or else it isn’t real. Surely Yankees/Dodgers/Angels/Red Sox fans are at least acquainted with the term “reality”…right? Oh no, I’m sorry, that’s what the rest of us exist in, where victories are earned, and not purchased with $150 – $200+ million dollar payrolls and Billion dollar TV contracts.
8. I have bad news for you, at less than half of the Dodger’s payroll, and team full of rookies, the Cardinals are the underdogs. It’s not even up for debate, it’s a fact.
9.”The Cardinals are fucking awful…” Really? Based on what criteria? A cynical person that thinks reality is tattoos, piercings and general misery? Someone that thinks it’s normal and appropriate to have to depend on Xanax to live from one day to the next? Someone that thinks the Kardashians are the paramount example of role-models?
10. “… whenever you tell Leitch to ‘GO TO HELL’, he acts like you’re the asshole! ” I don’t even know Will Leitch, but if someone walks up to me and tells me to go to hell, I would primarily admire their nerve, but yeah, s/he is an asshole. Seems like a normal response to me. I don’t seek pats on the head from anyone, I don’t seek glory for my team. I seek one thing: a fundamental change in baseball so every team has a shot at October baseball. If you think baseball is just fine the way it is, then go enjoy your glorified beer league visa vie a four team mega-rich confluence of shampoo salesman. The rest of us want baseball, and will stubbornly do things correctly, aka the right way.
It’s amazing how much time and effort was put in to this response.
And there are even tweets!
@drewmagary Are you gonna write another jealously-filled rage story about the Stl Cards after they win the World Series? LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@drewmagary hey faggot the cards are going I whoop the dodgers ass and make you look like the stupid shit you are pussy
Again with the homophobia! Is there something I don’t know about being a Cardinals fan?
This is level of fandom is why “fan” came from the word “fanatic”. People, complete strangers, can have their emotions manipulated so easily and effortlessly that it’s almost scary. Do the people that took the time to write the hate mail to Magary realize how crazy this makes them look? All I have to do is walk up to them and whisper in their that the “Cardinals suck” and all of a sudden I have complete control. Having something so outside of their sphere of influence, such as a professional sports organization and its postseason play, control you and your impulses so completely is what unnerves me about going to sporting events, or watching them in sports bars. Do you think any of the responses to Drew that included the word “faggot” wouldn’t have punched him in the face had he said the same things to them in person? I honestly think I would feel very weak if the simple mention of a (my) sports team sucking could escalate to a serious physical confrontation because I couldn’t handle it.
“You’re right bro, Adam Wainwright TOTALLY appreciates you smashing a beer in that guy’s face and getting sent to jail. He actually just called me to tell you that.”
– No one. Ever.
This level of vitriol from Cardinals fans isn’t even unique. How many stabbings and beatings happen every year at or because of sporting events because “The *fill in team name* suck!”? Or even worse, what about the harassment of fans of the away team?
Look, I understand that sports teams are an allegory to back in our marauding tribal days; they are supposed to represent you and your clan. When you play other “clans” and you win, you are superior to that other team’s clan. Sports are a metaphor for war, just as much as life. Except back in the tribal days, after you win, you would pillage and rape the other team. (Ed. Talk about a meaningful regular season.) Supporting your clan was done out of survival and necessity. Not so much anymore. I would hope that most people and society have evolved past that. And I believe we have.
Then what’s the problem? Since we obviously don’t need to steal the other town’s supplies and turn their children into slaves, why is there such hyper-masculine, aggressive, violent reactions to when someone disparages your team? Why is there the urge to prove that your team is better than my team by physical or verbal aggression? Especially considering that someone going bananas and “protecting their team’s honor” has literally no bearing on the outcome of your team’s game or season. (In fact, in only has negative consequences, for you, and your team.) Especially when the players themselves don’t care nearly as much about the team as much as you do. (You want examples? Johnny Damon, Jason Giambi, Roger Clemons, Brett Favre, Shaquille O’Neal, James Harden, Latrell Sprewell, Dwight Howard, Lebron James, Chris Bosh, Steve Francis, John Elway, Brian Wilson, etc. And that’s just off the top of my head.) Especially when allowing your emotions and impulses to be manipulated and controlled by something that you have absolutely no, and never will have, any control over is a legitimate concern for other people’s overall safety. (I believe I’ve said that before.)
I want to emphasis that last part again. The amount of control that Drew Magary, random internet blogger, has over complete strangers simply by saying “your team sucks”. The amount of time, effort, and rage that he sucked out of that fanbase after throwing together 700+ negative words about the Cardinals is astonishing. (It’s also impressive that he received that response right after the Cardinals WON. I would have thought that any fan that intense would just call him a hater and move on with their life.) I am always amazed by the lack of self-control, lack of self-awareness, and rage that otherwise normal and well-adjusted people demonstrate every year because of fucking sports teams.
It’s like that Bud Light commercial– “They can’t hear you Ramseys!”
Happy Friday. Celebrating my three day weekend with some good, ‘ol-fashioned cultural genocide.