Make It Sounds Like It Does On The Album, No Tricks


Back in 1998, comedian David Spade, the guy who is not Chris Farley in Tommy Boy, cut a fantastic HBO stand up special called “Take The Hit.” Fast forward to 2016 and, of course, it’s up on youtube for free, under the title “David Spade Full Stand Up Comedy.” In the special, Spade mentions his distaste for bands changing their songs from their recorded versions during live performances. It’s a great bit and you should check out his whole special. And paradoxically, I am always reminded of it when I hear bands that sound exactly like their records live.

[Read more…]

Pec’s Prospects Picks

Pecs prospects picks v2

Back in August last year, an email showed up in the ALTTAB Radio general media contacts account:

Gentlemen-I am sorry that this email is unsolicited. I am a National Football League retired player and I am interested in opportunities you may have for Tv,radio,internet, satellite work in the sports area, specifically football. Contact back with information about dates and locations.

-Pec Thompson Jr.

Pec Thompson Jr? We had no idea who that was. And Google wasn’t being especially forthcoming either. Finally after more than half an hour of deep internets, Dano, the hardest working fake sportswriter in the business, cracked the case.

Clay “Pec” Thompson Jr. [Read more…]

Baby Boomers: You Literally Cannot Call Yourselves Adults Until You Take This Pledge

I know Baby Boomers. My folks are Baby Boomers. I work with Baby Boomers. I’ve listened to The Beatles, Bob Dylan, fucking Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young. I’ve seen The Godfather and The Graduate; I’ve watched that scene in High Fidelity where Dick shits on The Big Chill and mostly understood what they were talking about.

And it’s this deep knowledge of Baby Boomers that allows me to say: you can do better. Below is a pledge that every Baby Boomer should take publicly, to signify a ceremonial transition into modern adulthood.

Not that I recommend modern adulthood, what with all the no pensions and expensive healthcare and student loans and stagnant wages– not that you guys would know anything about that!– but we all have to grow up eventually.

“The Baby Boomer Pledge”:

  • I am entitled to nothing.
  • I will not allow a rigid emphasis on physical attendance obscure my ability to determine effective performance.
  • I will think before I speak, always being conscious of the fact that my life experience is not the same as life experience. [Read more…]

27 Ways To Be The Modern Man’s Modern Man, Man


Last week, the august New York Times published an oddly Buzzfeedian piece titled “27 Ways To Be A Modern Man.” The piece ran with a straight face, in the Men’s Style section under the “Self Help” tag, despite its content…not…making any sense? Among the 27 ways were plainly contradictory aphorisms, such as commanding the Modern Man to be both a stoic block of wood and sniffling shudder of sensitivity. There were odd brand plugs for Dr. Pepper and Irish Spring as well as a bizarre exhortation to own all of director Michael Mann’s film on Blu Ray.

The internet had no idea what to make of it. The Daily Caller, hearty dollop of cant-infused sour crème fraîche, worried about the STATE OF MASCULINITY. The National Review (of all places) had a pretty great call and response takedown. The San Fransico Chronicle took it a step further with their own regional, super on the nose, “27 Ways To Be A Modern San Francisco Man.” (Sample: 11. Crying isn’t taboo for the modern S.F. man: He’ll gush infinite public tears when he finds out the guy he wrote off at the incubator got more startup funding than he did.)

[Read more…]

Series: How To Fix Baseball

And seemingly out of nowhere, its October. It’s cold and it’s raining and, oh yeah, it’s time for baseball playoffs (well, for some people, not poor Bryce up there)! Now it shouldn’t surprise anyone that for us here at ALTTAB, baseball flies pretty low under the radar, occupying about the same level of interest as MMA, or soccer, or upsetting documentaries on Netflix (reminder: finally watch that sad Free Willy one). There are a lot of reasons for this (somewhat paradoxical reasons, given how fun it is to actually go to a game live, especially here in DC at Nats Stadium) but the reality remains: baseball…doesn’t really hold our interest.

But this doesn’t have to be the case! Baseball doesn’t have to stay the same; its actually changed a lot since the old-timey days:

[Read more…]

The Derrick Rose Theorem


Late Tuesday night, word flashed across the nation’s sports minded smartphones that the Chicago Bulls’ Derrick Rose would be shortly heading into surgery, this time to repair a fractured orbital bone in his face which was broken by a teammate’s accidental elbow. There is no timetable for his return, though he may be ready to go by the Bulls’ season opener on October 27 against LeBron and the Cavs. For NBA fans, this news felt right in line with the sui generis life of Rose, a player of incredible talent who has an equally incredible knack for hurting himself.

Elbows– both errant and intentional– literally abound on basketball courts across the country. Charles Barkley preferred a classic swing; Oscar Robertson threw them with his legs; Kevin Garnett is lucky his face wasn’t six inches to his left when Vince Carter threw his in the form of a fist after completing one of the most incredible plays ever in basketball. Dudes named Big A, Sarge, E, and Trey still and will always swing them at neighborhood Friday night runs, their courts lit through a haze of bugs by jaundiced cones of light.

[Read more…]

Anthony Bennett Has Been Bought Out By The Timberwolves


On Tuesday, Adrian Wojnaroski and the wonderfully named Shams Charania reported that the Minnesota Timberwolves reached an agreement with 2013 number one NBA draft pick Anthony Bennett to buy out the remainder of his contract. Read Woj’s post for all the salary cap mumbo-jumbo, but the gist is that Bennett will now go on waivers and if no one claims him, he becomes an unrestricted free agent.

From the first moment of his first pro summer league game, Bennett struggled with his weight, his shooting, even his NBA plausibility. The pall of Bill Simmons’ whoa weighed so heavily on him that ahistorical assertions that no one outside of Cleveland thought Bennett was even a top 10 quality pick would be widely accepted– even unnoticed– today if not for the crack gumshoes at Deadspin holding tight to reality.

[Read more…]

Do Not Think For A Second That The 76ers Know What They’re Doing

It’s a lot of fun to dump on Sam Hinkie and the Philadelphia 76ers, just like it’s a lot of fun to dump on Donald Trump. Both are ridiculous on their face, yet seem protected by impenetrable bubbles (Trump: money/racism/self-esteem?, 76ers: process/process/process) that give them an unearned self-assurance that makes them ripe for mockery. Put another way, they both have naturally punchable faces.

Yet unlike Trump, Hinkie and the 76ers also seem to cast a weird magic over the press that sometimes makes their eyes twitch and pupils dilate and before thinking something like, “You know, maybe the 76ers do have it all figured out.”

Look at this Deadspin headline:



[Read more…]